The Many Moods of Love
A relationship is a lot like a roller coaster — there are the intense highs of infatuation but also the lows. Cosmo tells you how to endure — and even enjoy — the ups and downs of couplehood.
It's easy to assume that a relationship is meant to be a straight line. You start at Point A (falling in love) and giddily sprint toward Point B (blissful coupledom), then finally to Point C (happily ever after). But in reality, every love journey is interrupted every so often when — bam! — you hit a rut. Maybe your lust takes a header, or perhaps you start spotting his flaws. Whatever the gripe with your guy and whenever it happens, this shift can make you feel like your relationship has ground to a halt...and cause you to wonder if you've hooked up with a guy who's all wrong for you. But before you ditch your previously perfect man, stop and consider this: Relationships are cyclical, and facing downtime isn't only inevitable, it's necessary. "When it comes to real love, ups and downs aren't aberrant, they're normal," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, author of Everything You Know About Love and Sex Is Wrong. "It's only by moving through these highs and lows of a relationship that you can reach the deepest level of connection and forge a lasting relationship." Here are the phases you can expect to endure and tips on how to come through them as an even more solid couple than before.
A Perfect Peak
Phase One
When you first link up with a new love, it's as if you've been transported to a different world: Planet Utopia, where every joke of his is hysterical, every meal you share is scrumptious, and every moment together is miraculous. You don't sleep much, you can't think straight, and if lust were a commodity, you could out-trump Trump. This period of infatuation might feel mysterious and mythic, but in fact, it has a strictly scientific explanation: hormones, hormones, hormones.
"When you meet someone you really like, you become infatuated, and your body produces a euphoria-inducing, adrenaline-like hormone," explains Pat Love, author of The Truth About Love. Call it the love buzz: You're so high on him during the first three to six months of the relationship that you're in awe of even his most inconsequential quirks, according to Helen Fisher, PhD, anthropologist and author of The First Sex. (The way he stirs his coffee gives you goose bumps — sound familiar?) In a recent survey of women in the early dating stage, Fisher found that 84 percent remembered trivial things their guy said or did, and 90 percent of those women daydreamed about the mundane moments.
Maximum momentum move: Live it up! Whether it's by putting him on a pedestal, having 48-hour sexathons or neglecting your friends and job a bit (and not feeling bad about it), this is your chance to enjoy the excitement and revel in each other. "When Dan and I started dating, we didn't get much sleep," says Amy,* 25. "But instead of wrecking our sex or intense conversations by worrying about being exhausted at work the next day, we made a pact to suck it up. It was so worth it." And although this blissfully intense period must end eventually, you can help to extend it. "Simply recalling the first time you saw him will give you a surge of that initial emotion," says Love. Or keep up your appreciation of his most swoon-worthy qualities by occasionally imagining him being sized up by another woman — what would she find most attractive about him? "People tend to lose sight of their partners' best sides, but looking at him from a stranger's perspective will remind you of what you find amazing about him," explains Paul Coleman, PsyD, author of 25 Stupid Mistakes Couples Make. *Names have been changed.
Confronting the Crash
Phase Two
While infatuation-extension tricks can buy you some extra sleep-optional nights and dreamy days, a love lull is inevitable, usually after three to six months of couplehood. The explanation is mostly physiological: Your overtaxed, overhyped brain can't sustain its amped-up state once its nerve endings become habituated to the infatuation hormone, explains Love. The symptoms of boy burnout: You're not writing his name in pancake syrup any more, you realize he has an annoying habit (actually several) — or you find yourself suddenly craving sleep instead of all-night sex.
Maximum momentum move: Don't freak out...or break up! After the intensity of stage one, it's natural to come off your high and wonder if he's the one for you. But rather than second-guessing your guy, realize that this phase is an unavoidable (and likely temporary) stretch on the way to a long-term relationship. So when your lust levels start to dip back toward normal, try not to focus on the letdown but see it as a new opportunity to find out how you click out of the sack, says Coleman. "After months of falling into bed as soon as we saw each other, Tom and I started to lose the urgency," says Amanda, 24. "I was still attracted to him, but sex wasn't the first thing on my mind whenever I saw him. At first it freaked me out, but then I realized that because we weren't obsessed with doing it, we had time to discover that we both love blues music, we both hate television sitcoms and a million other little things we never knew we had in common." So look at the sex slowdown as an opportunity to move your relationship forward. "Once the focus is off lovemaking, you can start to create real intimacy," explains Coleman. "Finding out how he acts in a variety of contexts is the best way to get to know your partner." So move beyond your strictly à deux dates and introduce him to your friends, go out for drinks with his, and meet each others' families. Or see how he fares in your office, as Sandra, 25, did. "Dave and I had been together for five months, and after the initial intensity wore off, I started to wonder if we just weren't meant to be," she recalls. "Then he suggested meeting for lunch during the week. He met everyone in my office, and I saw a totally new side of him — I had no idea he would be so confident and charming." And if his quirks still get under your skin after you've seen his other sides, look at yourself before criticizing him. "When outside factors like your job or anything else that stresses you out creep back to the forefront of your life, it can reduce your tolerance of him," explains Coleman. And fixing those stressors may be enough for you to be able to cut him some slack...and even learn to love his faults.
Getting Nice and Comfy
Phase Three
Between six months and a year into the relationship, according to Love, you'll likely find that what once felt like a lull now feels like a comfort zone. Gradually, you go from being bummed that he's not perfect to feeling good because you're not either and he doesn't love you one bit less. From letting him see you in your pj's to enjoying a Blockbuster night, what used to seem dull now feels divinely cozy.
Maximum momentum move: Once you feel comfortable with each other and confident in the relationship, you should turn back to things that were a priority pre-him. And although establishing a life/boy balance is essential for an extended relationship, putting him on a back burner will spell disaster. "You may become so at ease that you think the relationship will thrive even if you don't spend as much time together or express your appreciation of each other," says Beatty Cohan, coauthor of For Better, for Worse, Forever. "In fact, not taking this opportunity to really enjoy being yourselves together can doom your relationship." So take pleasure in comforting him when he's sick and not stifling the snort in your laugh. Spend the occasional rainy Saturday night in your apartment in sweatpants together. When he comes home from work ragging on his boss, not only can you be there to feel his pain, but by now, you also know exactly where to kiss him to make it feel better. "Sometimes, when I'm exhausted from work, I'll go over to George's place, have two glasses of wine and crash," says Eileen, 30. "He loves that he's the one I want to be with when I'm so spent and that I feel so comfortable with him."
Sinking into Boredom
Phase Four
You've established a level of ease and friendship that will endure for the rest of your relationship, but you're not home-free. Although compatibility is key to a satisfying union, Love explains, you can get too complacent with each other and wonder if you've lost your spark forever.
Maximum momentum move: At this stage, boredom happens because you and your man have created a comfort cocoon. It's likely that you've let friends drop out of the picture or you've begun to blow off your individual hobbies to spend time together. But by isolating yourselves, you lose an important source of energy for the relationship. "It may not be that your relationship is boring — you may have become boring," says Coleman. Luckily, your apathy can be fixed by addressing issues outside the relationship, explains Schwartz. Rather than putting pressure on your guy to crank up the thrill-o-meter, try seeking out kicks on your own and encourage him to do the same. "After a year and a half of dating, I knew Pete and I were solid, but we were starting to feel like an old married couple," says Carmen, 21. "So instead of trying to pretend that we were on a first date, we made a pact to go our own way sometimes. He started playing in a recreational soccer league again; I started reporting as a stringer for the local newspaper. Instead of being bummed that we wouldn't see each other as much, when we finally did crawl into bed together, we were so glad to be there...and we had so much more to talk about."
Hitting a New High
Phase Five
Once you hit two years and beyond, chances are, you'll both feel intimately and intricately connected, says Love. Having stuck together through the spates of boredom and other periodic lows, you know from experience that what goes down must come up. So now, more than ever, you're confident that even a big blowout doesn't mean a breakup.
Maximum momentum move: Although you can revel in the high that comes from a committed relationship, coasting can kill your hard-won connection. "Taking each other for granted is still a risk," says Schwartz. To avoid letting your love fall apart due to neglect, make sure you always have an aim in sight. "When you're not working toward a common goal, it's easy to lose the incentive to stay in the relationship," explains Coleman. The most obvious objective is marriage, but you can also talk about raising a pet or saving for an exotic vacation. "When Rich and I first met, we talked about how we both wanted to live and work abroad one day," says Ellie, 27. "A few years later, we decided to try to make it a reality together — we both spoke to our bosses, looked into subletting our apartment, and researched what countries we'd most like to live in. Having a future plan that we were both so excited about not only brought us together, it was a way to make it clear to each other that we were in it for the long haul." Keep in mind that even the most connected couples repeat the less-appealing phases of the relationship cycle all over again. The good news? Each time you move through the highs and lows of coupledom, Love explains, you reach a deeper level of love. "The ups and downs create an intimacy that energizes you and takes you beyond even the apex of your first falling-in-love buzz."
Irreversible Ruts
How to know when your low point is not just a lull
You Don't Share Details
"If you've lost interest in what's happening in your time apart from each other, your connection will unravel, if it hasn't already," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, author of Everything You Know About Love and Sex Is Wrong.
You're Resigned to Your Sex Rut
"If lovemaking is lackluster or on an extended hiatus and you don't care about fixing it, you may need to call it quits," says Beatty Cohan, coauthor of For Better, for Worse, Forever.
You Don't Bother Fighting
"If you can't communicate or solve problems effectively, you can't face the rigors of a long-term relationship," says Cohan.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
The Secret to Tantric Sex
The Secret to Tantric Sex
Imagine: Your man strolls through your front door and announces, "Baby, forget Must-See TV. Tonight, I want to worship your body, massage you head to heel, make love to you on a higher spiritual plane, then provoke an out-of-this-world orgasm so you reach a whole new pleasure plateau."
Probably, you'd think either you were dreaming or your guy had temporarily lost touch with reality. Well, in the case of tantric sex, you'd essentially be right on both counts. Tantra is the exotic art of prolonging your passion play to reach new levels of lusty satisfaction. "The idea is to build arousal very slowly so you both stay just below the boiling point for as long as possible," explains Nitya Lacroix, author of The Art of Tantric Sex. "That way you really focus on the full sexual journey — getting turned on, stimulating each of your five senses for maximum passion, harmonizing your sexual rhythms." The result is an out-of-body bond with your partner plus very physical ecstatic orgasms.
Inspired by the sexual success of these ancient love teachings (who wouldn't be?), Cosmo came up with its own turbo-charged version of tantra. Here, our updated, totally modern four-step passion program (plus twists on classic tantric moves) to tempt, tease, then thoroughly please. Grab your guy and get ready for a trip toward erotic enlightenment.
Step 1: Launch Your Night of Lust
Tantra is all about brewing passion. So begin the slow burn toward nooky nirvana by creating an ambience conducive to this brand of spiritual sex. Now, the real deal calls for actually designing a sort of carnal shrine, but if you don't happen to have a spare romper room, or about 12 hours of free time on your hands, we say just pick a spot and clear it of clutter — turn off the phone and get rid of papers, files, and books that will distract you. "Create a calm atmosphere where you won't feel rushed or reminded of everyday responsibilities," says Lacroix. Make sure the room is toasty warm (you'll be naked for a while) and either dim the lights or scatter votive candles along the windowsills, shelves, and tables. Then, scent your love den. According to tantric philosophy, smells deliver a powerful punch to your sexuality. Burn libido-lifting incense (musk, sandalwood, and jasmine are particularly ardent aromas) or light a scented candle.
When you enter this tantric love temple, you'll both be primed for a down-and-dirty divine time. But hands off — before you start stroking, turn up the heat even more by tuning in to each other and getting your sexual energy in sync. Cosmo's tantra trick: the sexual spoon. "Cuddle together in the traditional 'spoon' position," explains Kenneth Ray Stubbs, author of The Essential Tantra (JP Tarcher Putnam, 2000). "Curved together with arms around each other, pay attention to the rhythm of your partner's breathing and gradually begin to inhale and exhale together. Be so attuned to each other's body language that you become an extension of one another." Once you're in sync physically, the next step is to bond spiritually. Yeah, we know, sounds a little loopy, but all it really means is giving each other your undivided attention so your focus doesn't wander to other things — like how your thighs look or how good George Clooney looks — and you get the most out of each heavenly moment. Cosmo's tantra trick: eye-rousal. Sit cross-legged across from each other and gaze into each other's eyes for a full minute or two. "The first time I tried tantra with my boyfriend, we couldn't stop giggling while trying to keep eye contact," says Angela, 27.* "Once we got over the nervousness, we became sort of spellbound and totally lost track of time. By locking eyes, we reached a deep level of intimacy that was incredibly hot and made sex really intense."
*Names have been changed.
Step 2: Energize Your Other Erogenous Zones
You've plugged in to each other, now it's time to build on that bond with some hands-on seduction. But don't dive for your partner's private parts. Instead, stroke, caress, lick, and arouse every inch of each other's bodies by hitting nongenital places that don't usually get sexual attention. "This is especially important for men, who often get shortchanged when it comes to waking up the less obvious erogenous zones," says Lacroix. "They tend to focus just on their genital area, so they miss out on how incredible indirect stimulation can feel."
Christine, 29, titillates her guy by showering him with an erotic water trick. "We get in a warm bath and add a few drops of blue-tinted lavender oil," she says. "With little candles around the tub illuminating the blue bath, it feels almost tropical. Using a large glass, I pour warm water over his back, neck, and chest over and over. Then we'll switch and he'll douse my shoulders and breasts in a constant stream of blue liquid. It's so soothing and sensual."
Traditional tantra dictates doing these turn-on tricks for exhausting hours-long marathon stretches. But frankly, there's a point when you're just too plum worn-out to be wowed anymore. So we suggest you spend a steamy half hour using our desire-mounting moves, and if you crave more body worship, then go for a longer heavenly haul. Your ultimate, erotic mission is to set every nerve on fire, so go ahead and be creative.
Cosmo's Tantra Tricks
The Thigh-High: Squeeze a few drops of scented oil in your hands and place them on your guy's thigh just above his knee, says Stubbs. Gently knead as if you're wringing out a towel as you make your way north, building the sexual tension. When you get to the groin area, work the muscles around his private parts, but don't actually touch his penis.
The Nail-Road: Slowly trace figure eights as you run your nails down his inner thigh, his calf and along the ticklish arch of his foot to in between his first and second toes. Then, using more pressure, stroke his ultrasensitive Achilles tendon.
The Aural-Sex Rub: Gently massage his ear with your fingertips, working your way down the outer fold. Then run your pinkie along the crease where his ear connects to his head and ever-so-slowly prod the middle of his sexually susceptible inner ear with the tip of your tongue.
The Turn-Up-the-Heat Treat: "Slip berries or pieces of mango back and forth between your mouths," suggests Stubbs. "Or spill some champagne and let it bubble on each other's bodies before licking it off. Involve every sense, including taste, in your seduction."
Step 3: Get to an Even Higher Pleasure Plane
By now you're both brimming with erotic anticipation. Here's where the tantra mantra of Build Up, Cool Down comes into play. "That means working up arousal so you're close to the point of no return, then letting it subside," says Lacroix. "You'll learn to get incredible pleasure by almost peaking, and the more times you repeat this buildup, the longer you'll both last and the more sexual tension will mount," climbing toward a mind-blowing climax. The key to riding this sexual roller coaster (and preventing reaching kingdom come too quickly) is taking a break whenever you feel yourself reach your orgasmic threshold. Just immediately stop what you're doing and focus on your breathing as you cool your sex jets.
Cosmo's Tantra Tricks
The Waterfall: Place your hand over his penis, fingertips resting lightly on his scrotum, and pour lubricant over the back of your hand so that it trickles between your fingers. Then place your hands on either side of his testicles and slowly, gently slide them up all the way to the tip of his penis. To let him cool down, ask your guy to do the same move on you, cupping his hand over your hot spot, letting the lube drip through his fingers, then spreading the oil up over your clitoris and pubic bone.
The Serpent: Very gently, stretch the shaft of his penis with one hand by pulling away from his body, and make a circle with the thumb and index finger of your other hand just under the head of his penis. Rotate the circle clockwise until your thumb naturally lifts all the way off the head, repeating the motion as long as he can stand it.
The Tantric Triangle Touch: With your legs open and bent, your guy inserts his index and middle fingers inside you until the tips are pressing upward just beyond your pubic bone in G-spot territory. He then makes a gentle "come here" movement with his fingers — caressing that sensitive oh-god area — while at the same time resting his other palm on your abdomen within reaching distance of your clitoris (with his fingers pointing up, his arms form a triangle). "I've never felt so aroused," says Lily, 24, whose boyfriend used this passion-revving move on her. "The combination of G-spot stroking, pressure on my pubic area and clitoris caressing created a pleasure triple-whammy. It was a kind of bliss I'd only read about in books with Fabio on the cover."
Step 4: Reach the Big O-mmmmm
The passion between you is now at fever pitch. And those swells of arousal have primed you both for an otherworldly orgasm. "Remember to gaze into each other's eyes to keep you both in the moment and prevent you from going over the edge too fast," reminds Lacroix. Then when you're both ready, reach new heights of pleasure with one of Cosmo's seismic-climax positions:
The Tantra-X: Your guy sits cross-legged while you kneel over his lap, facing him. Place your calves under his knees so you don't crush his legs. As he enters you, use your thigh muscles to lower yourself up and down as slowly as possible. Keep your bodies close and stay aware of each other's breathing. At the same time, your hands are free to caress each other and your faces are level for eye contact — and deep kissing.
The Sexual Seesaw: Lie on your back with your pelvis tilted just slightly on a small pillow. Your sexual soul mate lifts your feet up so that your legs are folded/curled in, your knees almost resting on your breasts, and your soles resting on his chest. Holding your feet as he moves inside of you, he gets to control thrusting while you get G-spot stimulation. "My husband and I tried this position after two hours of teasing buildup," says Cathy, 30. "The deep penetration was incredible. I had an orgasm that was unlike anything I'd experienced before. The wildest part was it seemed to last forever — every time I thought the climax peaked, it got more intense." Talk about enlightenment!
Imagine: Your man strolls through your front door and announces, "Baby, forget Must-See TV. Tonight, I want to worship your body, massage you head to heel, make love to you on a higher spiritual plane, then provoke an out-of-this-world orgasm so you reach a whole new pleasure plateau."
Probably, you'd think either you were dreaming or your guy had temporarily lost touch with reality. Well, in the case of tantric sex, you'd essentially be right on both counts. Tantra is the exotic art of prolonging your passion play to reach new levels of lusty satisfaction. "The idea is to build arousal very slowly so you both stay just below the boiling point for as long as possible," explains Nitya Lacroix, author of The Art of Tantric Sex. "That way you really focus on the full sexual journey — getting turned on, stimulating each of your five senses for maximum passion, harmonizing your sexual rhythms." The result is an out-of-body bond with your partner plus very physical ecstatic orgasms.
Inspired by the sexual success of these ancient love teachings (who wouldn't be?), Cosmo came up with its own turbo-charged version of tantra. Here, our updated, totally modern four-step passion program (plus twists on classic tantric moves) to tempt, tease, then thoroughly please. Grab your guy and get ready for a trip toward erotic enlightenment.
Step 1: Launch Your Night of Lust
Tantra is all about brewing passion. So begin the slow burn toward nooky nirvana by creating an ambience conducive to this brand of spiritual sex. Now, the real deal calls for actually designing a sort of carnal shrine, but if you don't happen to have a spare romper room, or about 12 hours of free time on your hands, we say just pick a spot and clear it of clutter — turn off the phone and get rid of papers, files, and books that will distract you. "Create a calm atmosphere where you won't feel rushed or reminded of everyday responsibilities," says Lacroix. Make sure the room is toasty warm (you'll be naked for a while) and either dim the lights or scatter votive candles along the windowsills, shelves, and tables. Then, scent your love den. According to tantric philosophy, smells deliver a powerful punch to your sexuality. Burn libido-lifting incense (musk, sandalwood, and jasmine are particularly ardent aromas) or light a scented candle.
When you enter this tantric love temple, you'll both be primed for a down-and-dirty divine time. But hands off — before you start stroking, turn up the heat even more by tuning in to each other and getting your sexual energy in sync. Cosmo's tantra trick: the sexual spoon. "Cuddle together in the traditional 'spoon' position," explains Kenneth Ray Stubbs, author of The Essential Tantra (JP Tarcher Putnam, 2000). "Curved together with arms around each other, pay attention to the rhythm of your partner's breathing and gradually begin to inhale and exhale together. Be so attuned to each other's body language that you become an extension of one another." Once you're in sync physically, the next step is to bond spiritually. Yeah, we know, sounds a little loopy, but all it really means is giving each other your undivided attention so your focus doesn't wander to other things — like how your thighs look or how good George Clooney looks — and you get the most out of each heavenly moment. Cosmo's tantra trick: eye-rousal. Sit cross-legged across from each other and gaze into each other's eyes for a full minute or two. "The first time I tried tantra with my boyfriend, we couldn't stop giggling while trying to keep eye contact," says Angela, 27.* "Once we got over the nervousness, we became sort of spellbound and totally lost track of time. By locking eyes, we reached a deep level of intimacy that was incredibly hot and made sex really intense."
*Names have been changed.
Step 2: Energize Your Other Erogenous Zones
You've plugged in to each other, now it's time to build on that bond with some hands-on seduction. But don't dive for your partner's private parts. Instead, stroke, caress, lick, and arouse every inch of each other's bodies by hitting nongenital places that don't usually get sexual attention. "This is especially important for men, who often get shortchanged when it comes to waking up the less obvious erogenous zones," says Lacroix. "They tend to focus just on their genital area, so they miss out on how incredible indirect stimulation can feel."
Christine, 29, titillates her guy by showering him with an erotic water trick. "We get in a warm bath and add a few drops of blue-tinted lavender oil," she says. "With little candles around the tub illuminating the blue bath, it feels almost tropical. Using a large glass, I pour warm water over his back, neck, and chest over and over. Then we'll switch and he'll douse my shoulders and breasts in a constant stream of blue liquid. It's so soothing and sensual."
Traditional tantra dictates doing these turn-on tricks for exhausting hours-long marathon stretches. But frankly, there's a point when you're just too plum worn-out to be wowed anymore. So we suggest you spend a steamy half hour using our desire-mounting moves, and if you crave more body worship, then go for a longer heavenly haul. Your ultimate, erotic mission is to set every nerve on fire, so go ahead and be creative.
Cosmo's Tantra Tricks
The Thigh-High: Squeeze a few drops of scented oil in your hands and place them on your guy's thigh just above his knee, says Stubbs. Gently knead as if you're wringing out a towel as you make your way north, building the sexual tension. When you get to the groin area, work the muscles around his private parts, but don't actually touch his penis.
The Nail-Road: Slowly trace figure eights as you run your nails down his inner thigh, his calf and along the ticklish arch of his foot to in between his first and second toes. Then, using more pressure, stroke his ultrasensitive Achilles tendon.
The Aural-Sex Rub: Gently massage his ear with your fingertips, working your way down the outer fold. Then run your pinkie along the crease where his ear connects to his head and ever-so-slowly prod the middle of his sexually susceptible inner ear with the tip of your tongue.
The Turn-Up-the-Heat Treat: "Slip berries or pieces of mango back and forth between your mouths," suggests Stubbs. "Or spill some champagne and let it bubble on each other's bodies before licking it off. Involve every sense, including taste, in your seduction."
Step 3: Get to an Even Higher Pleasure Plane
By now you're both brimming with erotic anticipation. Here's where the tantra mantra of Build Up, Cool Down comes into play. "That means working up arousal so you're close to the point of no return, then letting it subside," says Lacroix. "You'll learn to get incredible pleasure by almost peaking, and the more times you repeat this buildup, the longer you'll both last and the more sexual tension will mount," climbing toward a mind-blowing climax. The key to riding this sexual roller coaster (and preventing reaching kingdom come too quickly) is taking a break whenever you feel yourself reach your orgasmic threshold. Just immediately stop what you're doing and focus on your breathing as you cool your sex jets.
Cosmo's Tantra Tricks
The Waterfall: Place your hand over his penis, fingertips resting lightly on his scrotum, and pour lubricant over the back of your hand so that it trickles between your fingers. Then place your hands on either side of his testicles and slowly, gently slide them up all the way to the tip of his penis. To let him cool down, ask your guy to do the same move on you, cupping his hand over your hot spot, letting the lube drip through his fingers, then spreading the oil up over your clitoris and pubic bone.
The Serpent: Very gently, stretch the shaft of his penis with one hand by pulling away from his body, and make a circle with the thumb and index finger of your other hand just under the head of his penis. Rotate the circle clockwise until your thumb naturally lifts all the way off the head, repeating the motion as long as he can stand it.
The Tantric Triangle Touch: With your legs open and bent, your guy inserts his index and middle fingers inside you until the tips are pressing upward just beyond your pubic bone in G-spot territory. He then makes a gentle "come here" movement with his fingers — caressing that sensitive oh-god area — while at the same time resting his other palm on your abdomen within reaching distance of your clitoris (with his fingers pointing up, his arms form a triangle). "I've never felt so aroused," says Lily, 24, whose boyfriend used this passion-revving move on her. "The combination of G-spot stroking, pressure on my pubic area and clitoris caressing created a pleasure triple-whammy. It was a kind of bliss I'd only read about in books with Fabio on the cover."
Step 4: Reach the Big O-mmmmm
The passion between you is now at fever pitch. And those swells of arousal have primed you both for an otherworldly orgasm. "Remember to gaze into each other's eyes to keep you both in the moment and prevent you from going over the edge too fast," reminds Lacroix. Then when you're both ready, reach new heights of pleasure with one of Cosmo's seismic-climax positions:
The Tantra-X: Your guy sits cross-legged while you kneel over his lap, facing him. Place your calves under his knees so you don't crush his legs. As he enters you, use your thigh muscles to lower yourself up and down as slowly as possible. Keep your bodies close and stay aware of each other's breathing. At the same time, your hands are free to caress each other and your faces are level for eye contact — and deep kissing.
The Sexual Seesaw: Lie on your back with your pelvis tilted just slightly on a small pillow. Your sexual soul mate lifts your feet up so that your legs are folded/curled in, your knees almost resting on your breasts, and your soles resting on his chest. Holding your feet as he moves inside of you, he gets to control thrusting while you get G-spot stimulation. "My husband and I tried this position after two hours of teasing buildup," says Cathy, 30. "The deep penetration was incredible. I had an orgasm that was unlike anything I'd experienced before. The wildest part was it seemed to last forever — every time I thought the climax peaked, it got more intense." Talk about enlightenment!
Find Out if He's for Real
Find Out if He's for Real
Don't waste your time dating a dude who may turn out to be a dud. Instead, administer these minitests to your man to ferret out his true colors.
If women could effortlessly clue in to men's myriad character deficits, we guys would never succeed at getting a second date. So unfortunately for you, we've gotten pretty good at concealing our personality blemishes -- especially early on in the impress-to-undress game. But I'll let you in on a little secret: There are ways to weed out the hopeless losers before you waste too much of your precious time -- or worse, get too attached. You just need to put your potential partner through a few simple tests that will slyly force him to reveal any unacceptable attributes. If you're lucky, the guy you're currently grooving on will pass with flying colors. And if he doesn't? Well, then you're justified in kicking him to the curb.
Is He the Jealous Type?
Any guy worth his testosterone supply will get a little jammed up when he encounters a rival for his woman's affection. (You wouldn't want to bed down with a total wuss, would you?) But to find out if his possessiveness crosses over into psycho territory, set up a few jealousy-provoking scenarios and see if your dude handles himself like a man...or like a man in need of a restraining order.
For example, go to a crowded club and hit the dance floor. Be sure to expand your orbit so that it appears as if you're dancing with some of the random guys around you. A reasonably jealous type might shoot the other Y-chromosome owners dirty looks but stop short of shooting off his mouth. A sure sign that his jealousy is a liability: He starts rolling up his sleeves for some Sopranos-style action.
If the dancing-diva scenario seems too risky, you can try something more coquettish, like mild flirting. Keith*, 25, admits to revealing his caveman tendencies accidentally in a case of mistaken flirtation. "I was out for coffee with a new girl, and she started chatting with an Australian guy at the table next to ours. I've always been the jealous type, so I was fighting the urge to say something. Finally, after 10 minutes of giggle-spotted small talk, I snarled, 'I'm sorry, but she's on a date with me!' and led her out of the restaurant. On the sidewalk, she told me that she'd spent a year in Australia and vowed to be as friendly to foreign tourists here as the Aussies had been to her. I came off looking like an insecure freak." A good rule of thumb: Like Keith, every guy deserves one or two jealousy flare-ups. If it happens more frequently than that, give him his walking papers. *Names have been changed
Is He a Cheapskate?
Many men pride themselves on being frugal, believing that thriftiness is a money-management skill that takes years to hone. But there's a big difference between possessing the ability to save a few bucks and insisting on it at every turn. So unless you covet cubic zirconia, it would benefit you now to find out just how stingy your beau is. The quickest way to see where he falls on the cheapskate scale? Observe his tipping generosity. When he springs for dinner, does he throw down the standard 20 percent without hesitation, or does he try to explain that because his water glass wasn't refilled, he's deducting accordingly? David, 27, unwittingly flashed his frugal nature after a dinner date. "I paid, but she offered to cover the tip. She asked me how much she should leave, and I suggested five dollars, which was a little over 10 percent of the bill. She just looked at me, put $10 down on the table, and went to get her coat." There are several other ways to check his cash attitude. Take him to the track, for instance. Does he sweat over every dime or bet on the long shot because the horse's crazy name makes you laugh? Or try this simple trick: Ask him if he has any change for a pack of gum. Does he feel around for coins in his pocket or hand over a fiver? If it's the latter, absentmindedly put the change in your pocket. If he asks you for it later, chances are, he's a Montgomery Burns in the making.
Is He Scared of Commitment?
True, few guys will lunge at the chance to seal off their romantic options by getting into an exclusive relationship. But to find out if a man is resigned to never surrendering his bachelor status, you have to do some sleuthing. The best way? Expose him to commitment-phobe kryptonite: a couple in a serious relationship.
Arrange a dinner date with two of your friends who have just moved in together, bring him to your cousin's engagement party, or have him escort you to a wedding. Any of these occasions will give you the opportunity to observe casually, "They look so happy." Then read his response: sarcasm ("Yeah, but in six months, they'll have put on 30 pounds and stopped having sex"), skepticism ("Really? They seem a little bored to me"), or sappiness ("Maybe one day...").
Another way to get clued in to his commitment potential is to go shopping with him and watch what he eyes and buys. Allan, 28, inadvertently exposed his frat-boy-forever credo when his new girlfriend took him to a junky antiques store. "I saw her flinch when I spent my last $25 on a beat-up dentist's chair for my living room. She said, 'You do realize that nobody but you could want that monstrosity in their house, right?' That was precisely the point -- I didn't see myself taking anyone else's decorating proclivities into consideration for a long time. Unfortunately, she got the message too."
Is He Trustworthy?
When spreading their seed was vital to the survival of the human species, men had an excuse for wandering. And though most modern guys recognize that the perpetuation of the population doesn't depend on them alone, there are still a few who just can't seem to extinguish the urge to go through the motions. To find out if your man is one of the evolved, do this: The next time you're watching a TV show featuring a two-timer, drop a comment about how guys who cheat are greaseballs. If he hems and haws, clears his throat uncomfortably, or says something like, "Well, every situation is different," you may have a philanderer on your hands.
Since a really slick cheater, however, will know better than to spill his fidelity theories, it may be necessary to toss your guy into the deep end. Take him to the type of restaurant that tends to have babelicious waitresses. If you suspect he's more concerned with ogling the wait staff than with finding out how your day was, you may be dealing with a chronic swivel-head. (The exception: Hooters. That's entrapment.)
Suspicious but not convinced he'd go as far as to cheat? Get a trusted guy friend involved. Have him invite your beau on a boys' night out, preferably with a group of guys on the prowl. The reason this tactic works so well is that most guys believe that there is an unspoken code of silence when it comes to the way they act in front of other guys. That was 29-year-old Colin's downfall: "I went to watch a game with a bunch of my girlfriend's guy friends, and I ended up getting hammered," he recalls. "When an incredibly hot girl threw herself at me, I left with her, assuming my girlfriend's friends wouldn't break the pact between us guys. I was wrong. I was dumped before noon the next day."
If your man can't resist making moves on every skirt in the room when he's with people you know, just imagine what he does when he has his buddies for backup. But any guy who falls for these pathetic ploys isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. And there's no reason to mourn the loss of a moronic ladies' man, now, is there?
Don't waste your time dating a dude who may turn out to be a dud. Instead, administer these minitests to your man to ferret out his true colors.
If women could effortlessly clue in to men's myriad character deficits, we guys would never succeed at getting a second date. So unfortunately for you, we've gotten pretty good at concealing our personality blemishes -- especially early on in the impress-to-undress game. But I'll let you in on a little secret: There are ways to weed out the hopeless losers before you waste too much of your precious time -- or worse, get too attached. You just need to put your potential partner through a few simple tests that will slyly force him to reveal any unacceptable attributes. If you're lucky, the guy you're currently grooving on will pass with flying colors. And if he doesn't? Well, then you're justified in kicking him to the curb.
Is He the Jealous Type?
Any guy worth his testosterone supply will get a little jammed up when he encounters a rival for his woman's affection. (You wouldn't want to bed down with a total wuss, would you?) But to find out if his possessiveness crosses over into psycho territory, set up a few jealousy-provoking scenarios and see if your dude handles himself like a man...or like a man in need of a restraining order.
For example, go to a crowded club and hit the dance floor. Be sure to expand your orbit so that it appears as if you're dancing with some of the random guys around you. A reasonably jealous type might shoot the other Y-chromosome owners dirty looks but stop short of shooting off his mouth. A sure sign that his jealousy is a liability: He starts rolling up his sleeves for some Sopranos-style action.
If the dancing-diva scenario seems too risky, you can try something more coquettish, like mild flirting. Keith*, 25, admits to revealing his caveman tendencies accidentally in a case of mistaken flirtation. "I was out for coffee with a new girl, and she started chatting with an Australian guy at the table next to ours. I've always been the jealous type, so I was fighting the urge to say something. Finally, after 10 minutes of giggle-spotted small talk, I snarled, 'I'm sorry, but she's on a date with me!' and led her out of the restaurant. On the sidewalk, she told me that she'd spent a year in Australia and vowed to be as friendly to foreign tourists here as the Aussies had been to her. I came off looking like an insecure freak." A good rule of thumb: Like Keith, every guy deserves one or two jealousy flare-ups. If it happens more frequently than that, give him his walking papers. *Names have been changed
Is He a Cheapskate?
Many men pride themselves on being frugal, believing that thriftiness is a money-management skill that takes years to hone. But there's a big difference between possessing the ability to save a few bucks and insisting on it at every turn. So unless you covet cubic zirconia, it would benefit you now to find out just how stingy your beau is. The quickest way to see where he falls on the cheapskate scale? Observe his tipping generosity. When he springs for dinner, does he throw down the standard 20 percent without hesitation, or does he try to explain that because his water glass wasn't refilled, he's deducting accordingly? David, 27, unwittingly flashed his frugal nature after a dinner date. "I paid, but she offered to cover the tip. She asked me how much she should leave, and I suggested five dollars, which was a little over 10 percent of the bill. She just looked at me, put $10 down on the table, and went to get her coat." There are several other ways to check his cash attitude. Take him to the track, for instance. Does he sweat over every dime or bet on the long shot because the horse's crazy name makes you laugh? Or try this simple trick: Ask him if he has any change for a pack of gum. Does he feel around for coins in his pocket or hand over a fiver? If it's the latter, absentmindedly put the change in your pocket. If he asks you for it later, chances are, he's a Montgomery Burns in the making.
Is He Scared of Commitment?
True, few guys will lunge at the chance to seal off their romantic options by getting into an exclusive relationship. But to find out if a man is resigned to never surrendering his bachelor status, you have to do some sleuthing. The best way? Expose him to commitment-phobe kryptonite: a couple in a serious relationship.
Arrange a dinner date with two of your friends who have just moved in together, bring him to your cousin's engagement party, or have him escort you to a wedding. Any of these occasions will give you the opportunity to observe casually, "They look so happy." Then read his response: sarcasm ("Yeah, but in six months, they'll have put on 30 pounds and stopped having sex"), skepticism ("Really? They seem a little bored to me"), or sappiness ("Maybe one day...").
Another way to get clued in to his commitment potential is to go shopping with him and watch what he eyes and buys. Allan, 28, inadvertently exposed his frat-boy-forever credo when his new girlfriend took him to a junky antiques store. "I saw her flinch when I spent my last $25 on a beat-up dentist's chair for my living room. She said, 'You do realize that nobody but you could want that monstrosity in their house, right?' That was precisely the point -- I didn't see myself taking anyone else's decorating proclivities into consideration for a long time. Unfortunately, she got the message too."
Is He Trustworthy?
When spreading their seed was vital to the survival of the human species, men had an excuse for wandering. And though most modern guys recognize that the perpetuation of the population doesn't depend on them alone, there are still a few who just can't seem to extinguish the urge to go through the motions. To find out if your man is one of the evolved, do this: The next time you're watching a TV show featuring a two-timer, drop a comment about how guys who cheat are greaseballs. If he hems and haws, clears his throat uncomfortably, or says something like, "Well, every situation is different," you may have a philanderer on your hands.
Since a really slick cheater, however, will know better than to spill his fidelity theories, it may be necessary to toss your guy into the deep end. Take him to the type of restaurant that tends to have babelicious waitresses. If you suspect he's more concerned with ogling the wait staff than with finding out how your day was, you may be dealing with a chronic swivel-head. (The exception: Hooters. That's entrapment.)
Suspicious but not convinced he'd go as far as to cheat? Get a trusted guy friend involved. Have him invite your beau on a boys' night out, preferably with a group of guys on the prowl. The reason this tactic works so well is that most guys believe that there is an unspoken code of silence when it comes to the way they act in front of other guys. That was 29-year-old Colin's downfall: "I went to watch a game with a bunch of my girlfriend's guy friends, and I ended up getting hammered," he recalls. "When an incredibly hot girl threw herself at me, I left with her, assuming my girlfriend's friends wouldn't break the pact between us guys. I was wrong. I was dumped before noon the next day."
If your man can't resist making moves on every skirt in the room when he's with people you know, just imagine what he does when he has his buddies for backup. But any guy who falls for these pathetic ploys isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. And there's no reason to mourn the loss of a moronic ladies' man, now, is there?
The 13 Best Relationship Tips Ever
The 13 Best Relationship Tips Ever
These days, more and more happy couples are seeing counselors to keep their unions humming along. Here, the country's top love experts offer up their best advice — for free!
Photo: Tamara Schlesinger
Beginning a relationship is generally the easy part; it's maintaining the connection that gets a little tricky. That's why a growing number of twosomes (whether or not they've tied the knot) are going into couples therapy as a preemptive strike against the tough times that will inevitably hit...and to learn how to keep the good times flowing. To give you a leg up in your love life, we asked the country's top relationship experts to share the most crucial things they've uncovered over the years — from big-picture philosophies to little gestures that go a long way. These practices will help keep your union in a happy, healthy place.
1. Act Out of Character
Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type — in a positive way — you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time.—Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia
2. Get in Touch a Lot
No doubt you hug and kiss each other hello and maybe snuggle a little after having sex. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're watching TV, taking his hand when you're walking down the street, or fondling his thigh during dinner are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level.—Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of Emotional Fitness for Couples
3. Don't Be BFFs
Being pals with your man is great in theory. But that kind of connection actually can kill your sex life. You could wind up having a roommatelike bond with each other rather than a hot one if you let yourself lose track of the masculine-feminine tension that excited you at the beginning of your relationship. Save the gab sessions for when you hang out with your girlfriends and your sexy energy for connecting with your guy.—Lana Holstein, MD, director of sexuality and vitality programs for couples at Miraval Resort in Catalina, Arizona
4. Enjoy a Steady Diet of Sex
If you want to maintain closeness with your man, get out of your head and into bed. Guys feel more comfortable connecting with women on a physical level, not engaging in deep discussions. To strengthen your bond, approach your lust life as you would your gym regimen or your diet — make it part of your routine. Set a goal to have sex at least a couple times a week.—Toni Coleman
5. Take Turns Talking
To make sure you both get a chance to state what's on your mind during a disagreement — and get your points across — alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks.—Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Opening Love's Door
6. Find the Intersection
When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let's say you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun...how about Miami? —Paul Dobransky, MD, author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love
7. Be More Positive Than Negative
There's a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time." —Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD
8. Echo Each Other
When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it's easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you're not really listening to what's being said. That's why it's important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've been heard and you feel understood.—Yvonne Thomas
9. Grow Your Tolerance
Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room.—Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection
10. Take a Time-Out
It's important that you get a break from the daily grind and spend alone time as a couple — cell phones and the Internet are off-limits. It can be a fun day trip or just a few quiet hours to yourselves. The point is simply to steal away (even if you're going nowhere) so you can reconnect, free of any distractions. —Diana Kirschner
11. Have His Back
You might not agree with your guy when he's had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side...and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you'll support him no matter what.—New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD
12. Spend a Little Money on Each Other
You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun-and meaningful — when they're not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck though. It's not about being extravagant; it's just a way of showing that you really get — and think about — each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color. —Barton Goldsmith
13. Be a Good Date
Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't think you're off the hook — if you're feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box — dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat. —Jennifer Oikle
The Romance-Friendly Home
Cohabiting has its perks, like frequent opportunities for sex and someone to read the Sunday paper with. But harmonizing decorating tastes and maintaining a sense of mystery can be a challenge. Michael Payne, interior designer and host of HGTV's Designing for the Sexes, offers tips for sharing a happy home.
Compromise on color.
Men veer toward taupe and beige, while women tend to like stronger hues, such as red or deep gold. To create a compatible home, especially in the bedroom, where you're most intimate, try colors both sexes agree on, such as chocolate brown or silver blue.
Banish TV from the bedroom.
Television is a major intimacy killer. Watch your favorite shows and DVDs in another room, and use the boudoir for three things: sleep, snuggling, and sex.
Install dimmers.
Low lighting may seem like a cheesy cliché, but it really can set a mood, making your living room feel cozy and giving your bedroom a sexy vibe.Create your own space. Even though you're sharing a pad, you each need a separate area to serve as a quiet escape. It might be just a chair and table in a corner, a desk, or if you're lucky, a spare room.
Surprising Screwups
Avoid these often-overlooked issues.You ignore money matters. Even if it's awkward, you need to discuss who should pay for what and how much both of you can afford.
You're too friendly with his pals.
They're his friends, and he wants to preserve that separate part of his life that doesn't include you. So don't tag along every time he's with them.
You never argue.
By not addressing a problem, it probably won't be resolved. Explain how you're feeling, give him a chance to respond, and don't let it devolve into an insult bout.
You're too low-maintenance.
If he's inconsiderate and you don't call him on it, he'll keep treating you badly. Just be straight-up and say you don't like being disrespected.Source: Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD—Reported by Lauren Denigan
These days, more and more happy couples are seeing counselors to keep their unions humming along. Here, the country's top love experts offer up their best advice — for free!
Photo: Tamara Schlesinger
Beginning a relationship is generally the easy part; it's maintaining the connection that gets a little tricky. That's why a growing number of twosomes (whether or not they've tied the knot) are going into couples therapy as a preemptive strike against the tough times that will inevitably hit...and to learn how to keep the good times flowing. To give you a leg up in your love life, we asked the country's top relationship experts to share the most crucial things they've uncovered over the years — from big-picture philosophies to little gestures that go a long way. These practices will help keep your union in a happy, healthy place.
1. Act Out of Character
Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type — in a positive way — you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time.—Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia
2. Get in Touch a Lot
No doubt you hug and kiss each other hello and maybe snuggle a little after having sex. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're watching TV, taking his hand when you're walking down the street, or fondling his thigh during dinner are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level.—Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of Emotional Fitness for Couples
3. Don't Be BFFs
Being pals with your man is great in theory. But that kind of connection actually can kill your sex life. You could wind up having a roommatelike bond with each other rather than a hot one if you let yourself lose track of the masculine-feminine tension that excited you at the beginning of your relationship. Save the gab sessions for when you hang out with your girlfriends and your sexy energy for connecting with your guy.—Lana Holstein, MD, director of sexuality and vitality programs for couples at Miraval Resort in Catalina, Arizona
4. Enjoy a Steady Diet of Sex
If you want to maintain closeness with your man, get out of your head and into bed. Guys feel more comfortable connecting with women on a physical level, not engaging in deep discussions. To strengthen your bond, approach your lust life as you would your gym regimen or your diet — make it part of your routine. Set a goal to have sex at least a couple times a week.—Toni Coleman
5. Take Turns Talking
To make sure you both get a chance to state what's on your mind during a disagreement — and get your points across — alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks.—Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Opening Love's Door
6. Find the Intersection
When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let's say you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun...how about Miami? —Paul Dobransky, MD, author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love
7. Be More Positive Than Negative
There's a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time." —Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD
8. Echo Each Other
When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it's easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you're not really listening to what's being said. That's why it's important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've been heard and you feel understood.—Yvonne Thomas
9. Grow Your Tolerance
Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room.—Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection
10. Take a Time-Out
It's important that you get a break from the daily grind and spend alone time as a couple — cell phones and the Internet are off-limits. It can be a fun day trip or just a few quiet hours to yourselves. The point is simply to steal away (even if you're going nowhere) so you can reconnect, free of any distractions. —Diana Kirschner
11. Have His Back
You might not agree with your guy when he's had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side...and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you'll support him no matter what.—New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD
12. Spend a Little Money on Each Other
You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun-and meaningful — when they're not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck though. It's not about being extravagant; it's just a way of showing that you really get — and think about — each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color. —Barton Goldsmith
13. Be a Good Date
Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't think you're off the hook — if you're feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box — dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat. —Jennifer Oikle
The Romance-Friendly Home
Cohabiting has its perks, like frequent opportunities for sex and someone to read the Sunday paper with. But harmonizing decorating tastes and maintaining a sense of mystery can be a challenge. Michael Payne, interior designer and host of HGTV's Designing for the Sexes, offers tips for sharing a happy home.
Compromise on color.
Men veer toward taupe and beige, while women tend to like stronger hues, such as red or deep gold. To create a compatible home, especially in the bedroom, where you're most intimate, try colors both sexes agree on, such as chocolate brown or silver blue.
Banish TV from the bedroom.
Television is a major intimacy killer. Watch your favorite shows and DVDs in another room, and use the boudoir for three things: sleep, snuggling, and sex.
Install dimmers.
Low lighting may seem like a cheesy cliché, but it really can set a mood, making your living room feel cozy and giving your bedroom a sexy vibe.Create your own space. Even though you're sharing a pad, you each need a separate area to serve as a quiet escape. It might be just a chair and table in a corner, a desk, or if you're lucky, a spare room.
Surprising Screwups
Avoid these often-overlooked issues.You ignore money matters. Even if it's awkward, you need to discuss who should pay for what and how much both of you can afford.
You're too friendly with his pals.
They're his friends, and he wants to preserve that separate part of his life that doesn't include you. So don't tag along every time he's with them.
You never argue.
By not addressing a problem, it probably won't be resolved. Explain how you're feeling, give him a chance to respond, and don't let it devolve into an insult bout.
You're too low-maintenance.
If he's inconsiderate and you don't call him on it, he'll keep treating you badly. Just be straight-up and say you don't like being disrespected.Source: Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD—Reported by Lauren Denigan
Sunday, May 24, 2009
8 New Love Truths You Must Know
8 New Love Truths You Must Know
These current relationship realities will help you reach harmony with your man.
By Leslie Heilbrunn
Navigating a relationship can sometimes feel like driving to an unknown destination without a GPS: perplexing, frustrating, and even scary. And while you don’t want to take the mystery out of your romantic life entirely (after all, occasional surprises keep things hot and spicy), learning important facts about what makes unions tick (and tank) can help you avoid trouble. Experts analyzed recent dating trends to define a whole new set of relationship rules to guide you along. Some of them may indicate that your romance is on rocky ground, while others can prove it’s totally rock solid.
1. Spending time apart strengthens your bond.
Sure, it's important to hang out with your guy. But experts now know that it's almost as important not to hang out with him every so often. "When you take time away from each other, it gives you both the opportunity to collect new thoughts, new stories, and new ideas to share,” says Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection. But the benefits extend beyond having novel tidbits of conversation. “When you’re with someone in the moment, you’re not really spending time thinking about them,” says Debbie Magids, PhD, coauthor of All the Good Ones Aren’t Taken. “When you’re distanced, you really think about the person and yearn for them, and you look forward to seeing them again.”
2. Your inkling that something is wrong in the relationship is probably right.
By nature of being a woman, you have a keen intuition, so you’ll feel any kind of distancing on a visceral level pretty quickly. And unless you’re an overly suspicious or insecure person — you know who you are! — you should always trust your gut. Example: He’s incommunicado. Before the days of e-mailing, texting, IMing, and Facebooking, if you didn’t hear from your boyfriend for a day or two, it wasn’t the end of the world (or your relationship). But now that communication is so easy and instant, it’s usually a sign he’s not fully invested.
“When a guy wants to break up, he’ll often start to create space,” says Oikle. In other words, he’ll stop calling quite as much, it will take him a bit longer to return your texts or e-mails, and he’ll sometimes be “too busy” to hang out. “For the record, if a guy is into you, he’ll never be too busy,” says Paul Coleman, PsyD, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Intimacy.
If the pattern continues, confront your man about his behavior in a direct yet nonaccusatory way, saying something like “You haven’t called me, and I’m thinking that means you’re having second thoughts about us.” If he doesn’t give you a clear answer, well, let’s just say he’s giving you a clear answer.
3. If a man has a history of cheating on his girlfriends, he’ll probably cheat on you too.
Sometimes a guy cheats on his partner because there is an emotional or sexual void in the relationship. But more often than not, philandering is indicative of something wrong with him. According to Jay Carter, PsyD, author of Nasty Men, many guys two-time because they love the thrill of the chase, they need to feed their ego, or they have a hard time turning down sex when the opportunity presents itself.
All those factors contribute to serial straying, “which is why men who cheat once usually cheat again,” says Oikle. (A recent MSNBC.com survey found that men are twice as likely as women are to cheat more than once.) So if your guy cheated on his last girlfriend with you, don’t necessarily write it off as an isolated incident and assume he won’t have his cake and eat it too again.
4. He wants to think he’s taking care of you.
Despite the fact that many women are outpacing men on the college level and in the workplace, “lots of guys still derive their feelings of masculinity and self-worth by being of value to the person they love,” says Allen Berger, PhD, author of Love Secrets Revealed. “And they feel most valuable when they’re doing things for that person.” So even though you’re an independent chic who can support herself, it may benefit your relationship if you step back once in a while and let him step up — even if it’s just to do something as simple as pay for dinner. Think of it this way: Letting him care for you shows you care for him.
5. If a guy tells you that he’s not ready for a relationship, take his word for it.
Believe it or not, men really hate to disappoint women. So if he’s “gotten up the guts to actually cross the threshold and tell you that he’s not ready for a relationship, he means business,” says Oikle. There could be a variety of explanations for his antirelationship position (he has commitment issues, he wants to hook up with other people, he doesn’t see you as girlfriend material), but in the end, the result is the same: He’s doesn’t desire to be your boyfriend. End of story.
And no, he won’t change his mind when he gets to know you a little better. “Once a guy decides how he sees a girl in his life, it’s hard to break out of that thinking,” says Coleman. Warning: If you stick around after he’s told you this, he will likely take it as a sign that you’re cool with the casual, nonexclusive nature of your relationship. So make sure you are.
6. Sex can get better as a relationship progresses.
People used to think settling down meant saying sayonara to sex...or at least fantastic sex. But research has found that young married couples are more satisfied with their sex lives than their single counterparts are. Here’s why: “For roughly the first 6 to 18 months of a relationship, sex is running mostly on testosterone and dopamine, which means you are superhorny and want to have sex all the time with this person,” explains sex therapist Barbara Keesling, PhD, author of Men in Bed. After that point, sex does change — often becoming even better. Because you’ve gotten to know and trust each other, the act becomes substantially more intimate and erotic.
Familiarity definitely has its perks. Couples who have been together for a long time have probably learned how to please each other and are more comfortable sharing their fantasies and desires and trying out new positions to keep things hot. And foreplay — often bypassed during the early days of hurried, rip-your-clothes-off-and-go-straight-to-intercourse sessions — becomes a major focus.
7. You won’t regret breaking up with a guy you’re feeling unsure about.
Nowadays, women may be impulsive about sleeping with guys but not dumping them. “In fact, a lot of women will try really hard to fit a square peg into a round hole because they want the relationship to work so bad,” explains Magids. “It’s only after a tremendous amount of thought and effort that they finally give up on it.”
In part, women go through that painstaking process because they fear they’ll end up kicking themselves for ending a relationship too soon. But a new study from Northwestern University found that even in the short term, people aren’t as upset as they thought they’d be after a breakup. So if you sense you’re with the wrong person, don’t fret so much about walking away to find a better match.
8. You will always be the one to initiate a relationship talk.
Unlike women, who are conditioned to take the pulse of a relationship from time to time, men don’t contemplate the state of your union until something’s wrong. And even then, they want to work it out in their mind, whereas women want to talk it out.
When you go to initiate a relationship talk, bear in mind that men are uncomfortable with the unknown and paranoid that you’ll end up in tears. So don’t ambush him or it’ll feel to him like going to the principal’s office or being pulled over by a cop: surprising and nerve-racking, says Coleman.
To put him at ease, try what Oikle calls a compliment sandwich: Start with something positive, work in the concern, and end with something positive. For example, if you’re trying to gauge if a new guy sees your relationship as serious, say “I really like you a lot. Are you thinking this is a long-term thing? We’ve been having so much fun that I hope you do!” That will be much easier for him to digest than “Hey, am I your girlfriend or what?” Or if you want to broach the subject of moving in with a dude you’ve been dating for a while, try “I think we have an amazing relationship, and I’m ready to take the next step and move in together. Think of how much sex we’d have living under the same roof!”
These current relationship realities will help you reach harmony with your man.
By Leslie Heilbrunn
Navigating a relationship can sometimes feel like driving to an unknown destination without a GPS: perplexing, frustrating, and even scary. And while you don’t want to take the mystery out of your romantic life entirely (after all, occasional surprises keep things hot and spicy), learning important facts about what makes unions tick (and tank) can help you avoid trouble. Experts analyzed recent dating trends to define a whole new set of relationship rules to guide you along. Some of them may indicate that your romance is on rocky ground, while others can prove it’s totally rock solid.
1. Spending time apart strengthens your bond.
Sure, it's important to hang out with your guy. But experts now know that it's almost as important not to hang out with him every so often. "When you take time away from each other, it gives you both the opportunity to collect new thoughts, new stories, and new ideas to share,” says Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection. But the benefits extend beyond having novel tidbits of conversation. “When you’re with someone in the moment, you’re not really spending time thinking about them,” says Debbie Magids, PhD, coauthor of All the Good Ones Aren’t Taken. “When you’re distanced, you really think about the person and yearn for them, and you look forward to seeing them again.”
2. Your inkling that something is wrong in the relationship is probably right.
By nature of being a woman, you have a keen intuition, so you’ll feel any kind of distancing on a visceral level pretty quickly. And unless you’re an overly suspicious or insecure person — you know who you are! — you should always trust your gut. Example: He’s incommunicado. Before the days of e-mailing, texting, IMing, and Facebooking, if you didn’t hear from your boyfriend for a day or two, it wasn’t the end of the world (or your relationship). But now that communication is so easy and instant, it’s usually a sign he’s not fully invested.
“When a guy wants to break up, he’ll often start to create space,” says Oikle. In other words, he’ll stop calling quite as much, it will take him a bit longer to return your texts or e-mails, and he’ll sometimes be “too busy” to hang out. “For the record, if a guy is into you, he’ll never be too busy,” says Paul Coleman, PsyD, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Intimacy.
If the pattern continues, confront your man about his behavior in a direct yet nonaccusatory way, saying something like “You haven’t called me, and I’m thinking that means you’re having second thoughts about us.” If he doesn’t give you a clear answer, well, let’s just say he’s giving you a clear answer.
3. If a man has a history of cheating on his girlfriends, he’ll probably cheat on you too.
Sometimes a guy cheats on his partner because there is an emotional or sexual void in the relationship. But more often than not, philandering is indicative of something wrong with him. According to Jay Carter, PsyD, author of Nasty Men, many guys two-time because they love the thrill of the chase, they need to feed their ego, or they have a hard time turning down sex when the opportunity presents itself.
All those factors contribute to serial straying, “which is why men who cheat once usually cheat again,” says Oikle. (A recent MSNBC.com survey found that men are twice as likely as women are to cheat more than once.) So if your guy cheated on his last girlfriend with you, don’t necessarily write it off as an isolated incident and assume he won’t have his cake and eat it too again.
4. He wants to think he’s taking care of you.
Despite the fact that many women are outpacing men on the college level and in the workplace, “lots of guys still derive their feelings of masculinity and self-worth by being of value to the person they love,” says Allen Berger, PhD, author of Love Secrets Revealed. “And they feel most valuable when they’re doing things for that person.” So even though you’re an independent chic who can support herself, it may benefit your relationship if you step back once in a while and let him step up — even if it’s just to do something as simple as pay for dinner. Think of it this way: Letting him care for you shows you care for him.
5. If a guy tells you that he’s not ready for a relationship, take his word for it.
Believe it or not, men really hate to disappoint women. So if he’s “gotten up the guts to actually cross the threshold and tell you that he’s not ready for a relationship, he means business,” says Oikle. There could be a variety of explanations for his antirelationship position (he has commitment issues, he wants to hook up with other people, he doesn’t see you as girlfriend material), but in the end, the result is the same: He’s doesn’t desire to be your boyfriend. End of story.
And no, he won’t change his mind when he gets to know you a little better. “Once a guy decides how he sees a girl in his life, it’s hard to break out of that thinking,” says Coleman. Warning: If you stick around after he’s told you this, he will likely take it as a sign that you’re cool with the casual, nonexclusive nature of your relationship. So make sure you are.
6. Sex can get better as a relationship progresses.
People used to think settling down meant saying sayonara to sex...or at least fantastic sex. But research has found that young married couples are more satisfied with their sex lives than their single counterparts are. Here’s why: “For roughly the first 6 to 18 months of a relationship, sex is running mostly on testosterone and dopamine, which means you are superhorny and want to have sex all the time with this person,” explains sex therapist Barbara Keesling, PhD, author of Men in Bed. After that point, sex does change — often becoming even better. Because you’ve gotten to know and trust each other, the act becomes substantially more intimate and erotic.
Familiarity definitely has its perks. Couples who have been together for a long time have probably learned how to please each other and are more comfortable sharing their fantasies and desires and trying out new positions to keep things hot. And foreplay — often bypassed during the early days of hurried, rip-your-clothes-off-and-go-straight-to-intercourse sessions — becomes a major focus.
7. You won’t regret breaking up with a guy you’re feeling unsure about.
Nowadays, women may be impulsive about sleeping with guys but not dumping them. “In fact, a lot of women will try really hard to fit a square peg into a round hole because they want the relationship to work so bad,” explains Magids. “It’s only after a tremendous amount of thought and effort that they finally give up on it.”
In part, women go through that painstaking process because they fear they’ll end up kicking themselves for ending a relationship too soon. But a new study from Northwestern University found that even in the short term, people aren’t as upset as they thought they’d be after a breakup. So if you sense you’re with the wrong person, don’t fret so much about walking away to find a better match.
8. You will always be the one to initiate a relationship talk.
Unlike women, who are conditioned to take the pulse of a relationship from time to time, men don’t contemplate the state of your union until something’s wrong. And even then, they want to work it out in their mind, whereas women want to talk it out.
When you go to initiate a relationship talk, bear in mind that men are uncomfortable with the unknown and paranoid that you’ll end up in tears. So don’t ambush him or it’ll feel to him like going to the principal’s office or being pulled over by a cop: surprising and nerve-racking, says Coleman.
To put him at ease, try what Oikle calls a compliment sandwich: Start with something positive, work in the concern, and end with something positive. For example, if you’re trying to gauge if a new guy sees your relationship as serious, say “I really like you a lot. Are you thinking this is a long-term thing? We’ve been having so much fun that I hope you do!” That will be much easier for him to digest than “Hey, am I your girlfriend or what?” Or if you want to broach the subject of moving in with a dude you’ve been dating for a while, try “I think we have an amazing relationship, and I’m ready to take the next step and move in together. Think of how much sex we’d have living under the same roof!”
The 7 Steps to Happily Ever After
The 7 Steps to Happily Ever After
What makes love last a lifetime? Affection? Yep. Respect? Sure. But a great marriage is not just about what you have. It's about what you do to make a relationship stronger, safer, more caring and committed. Here's how to make your "forever" fantastic.
By Marjorie Ingall
Marriage is a home, a refuge against the outside storms. And like any house, it requires a strong, lasting foundation. To build one, every couple needs to take certain steps — seven, to be precise — that turn the two of you into not just you and me but we. You may not move through all the steps in order, and you may circle back to complete certain steps again (and again and again). But if you make it through them all, you'll be well on your way toward creating a marriage that will be your shelter as long as you both shall live.
Step 1: Find a shared dream for your life together.
It's easy to get caught up in the small stuff of married life: What's for dinner tonight? Whose turn is it to clean the litter box? Did you pay the electric bill? But the best partners never lose sight of the fact that they're working together to achieve the same big dreams. "Successful couples quickly develop a mindfulness of 'us,' of being coupled," says REDBOOK Love Network expert Jane Greer, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in New York City. "They have a shared vision, saying things like, 'We want to plan to buy a house, we want to take a vacation to such-and-such a place, we like to do X, we think we want to start a family at Y time.'"
This kind of dream-sharing starts early. "Couples love to tell the story of how they met," points out Julie Holland, M.D., a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City and a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine. "It's like telling a fairy tale. But happy couples will go on creating folklore and history, with the meet-cute forming the bedrock of the narrative." As you write and rewrite your love story ("our hardest challenge was X, our dream for retirement is Y"), you continually remind yourselves and each other that you're a team with shared values and goals. And P.S.: When you share a dream, you're a heck of a lot more likely to make that dream come true.
Step 2: Ignite (and reignite) a sexual connection.
In any good relationship, sex is way more than just a physical act. It's crucial for the health of your emotional connection, too: It's something only the two of you share; it makes you both feel warm and loved; it draws you back together when you're drifting apart. And did I mention that it's a whole lot of fun?
Striking up those sparks when you first meet is easy. Nurturing a strong, steady flame? That's the hard part. When you've got a mortgage, a potbelly, and a decade or two of togetherness under your belts, it can be hard to muster up the fire you felt when you first got together. That's when it's even more important to protect your sex life and make it a priority. "You have to keep working to create allure and seduction for each other or your sex life will become lackluster," Greer points out. "Who wants the same turkey sandwich over and over? You want it on whole wheat! On toast! As turkey salad! On a roll!" (And now I will imagine my husband covered with Russian dressing. Thanks, Dr. Greer.)
As the years go by, you'll keep revisiting and realigning and reimagining the passion you have for each other. And if you keep at it, you'll have a sex life that transcends your marriage's lack of newness, the stresses of family and work, the physical changes that come with aging. Now that's something worth holding on to.
Step 3: Choose each other as your first family.
For years, you were primarily a member of one family: the one in which you grew up. Then you got married, and suddenly you became the foundation of a new family, one in which husband and wife are the A-team. It can be tough to shift your identity like this, but it's also an important part of building your self-image as a duo (and maybe, eventually, as three or four or...).
For me, making this transition meant stopping the incessant bitching to my mom when I was mad at my husband — my behavior was disloyal, and I had to learn to talk to Jonathan, not about him. My friend Lynn tells the story of her mother's reaction to a trip to the Middle East she and her then-boyfriend (now husband) had planned. Her mother hit the roof, calling incessantly to urge Lynn not to go. Eventually, Lynn's boyfriend got on the phone with Mom and explained why they were excited to share this experience. "It was clear then that we were the team," Lynn says now. "Not teaming up against my mother, but teaming up together to deal with her issues."
Whatever your challenges — an overprotective mom? an overly critical father-in-law? — you have to outline together the boundaries between you and all of the families connected to you. Not only will you feel stronger as a united front but when you stick to your shared rules, all that family baggage will weigh on you a lot less.
Step 4: Learn how to fight right.
I'm embarrassed to think of how I coped with conflict early in my relationship with Jonathan. I stormed out — a lot. I once threw an apple at his head. Hard. (Don't worry, I missed — on purpose.) I had a terrible habit of threatening divorce at the slightest provocation. But eventually I figured that this was pretty moronic. I didn't want out, and I knew that pelting someone with fruit was not a long-term marital strategy.
"Fighting is the big problem every couple has to deal with," says Daniel B. Wile, Ph.D., a psychologist and couples therapist in Oakland, CA, and author of After the Fight. That's because fights will always come up, so every couple needs to learn how to fight without tearing each other apart.
Fighting right doesn't just mean not throwing produce; it means staying focused on the issue at hand and respecting each other's perspective. Couples that fight right also find ways to defuse the tension, says Wile — often with humor. "Whenever one of us wants the other to listen up, we mime hitting the TV remote, a thumb pressing down on an invisible mute button," says Nancy, 52, an event producer in San Francisco. "It cracks us up, in part because it must look insane to others." Even if you fight a lot, when you can find a way to turn fights toward the positive — with a smile, a quick apology, an expression of appreciation for the other person — the storm blows away fast, and that's what matters.
Step 5: Find a balance between time for two and time for you.
Jonathan and I both work at home. This frequently leads to murderous impulses. Though I'm typing away in the bedroom and he's talking to his consulting clients in our small home office, most days it really feels like too much intimacy for me.
But that's my bias. When it comes to togetherness, every couple has its own unique sweet spot. "There are couples that are never apart and there are couples that see each other only on weekends," Greer says. With the right balance, neither partner feels slighted or smothered. You have enough non-shared experiences to fire you up and help you maintain a sense of yourself outside the relationship — not to mention give you something to talk about at the dinner table. But you also have enough time together to feel your connection as a strong tie rather than as a loose thread.
Your togetherness needs will also change over time, so you'll have to shift your balance accordingly. "My husband and I spend a lot of time together, but it's almost all family time," says Katie, 40, a mom of two in San Leandro, CA. "We realized a few months ago that we hadn't had a conversation that didn't involve the kids or our to-do lists in ages, so we committed to a weekly date. We were so happy just to go to the movies and hold hands, something we hadn't done in ages. It felt like we were dating again!"
Step 6: Build a best friendship.
Think about the things that make your closest friendships irreplaceable: the trust that comes with true intimacy, the willingness to be vulnerable, the confidence that the friendship can withstand some conflict. Don't those sound like good things to have in your marriage, too?
"Happy couples are each other's haven," says Holland. "They can count on the other person to listen and try to meet their needs." Greer adds, "When you're true friends, you acknowledge and respect what the other person is; you don't try to control or change them. This creates a sense of safety and security when you're together — you know you're valued for who you are and you see the value in your partner."
Then there's the way, when you've been with someone a while, that you become almost a mind reader. You have a shared history and inside jokes. Your guy knows what you'll find funny, you forward him links to articles you know he'll enjoy, and best of all, you two can make eye contact at a given moment and say volumes without opening your mouths. And is there anything more pleasurable than sharing the newspaper with someone? Sitting in companionable silence, absorbed in your respective reading, sipping coffee, occasionally reading something out loud, but mostly just lazing happily together, communing without needing to speak? Ahh....
Step 7: Face down a major challenge together.
You're sailing along through life, and suddenly you hit a huge bump. A serious illness. Unemployment. The loss of a home. A death in the family. How do you cope?
The truth is, you never know how strong your relationship is until it's tested. All too often, the stress of a crisis can pull a couple apart. But the good news is, when you do make it through in one piece, you might just find yourselves tighter than ever.
"What didn't happen to us?" says Daryl, 28, a preschool teacher in Harrisburg, PA. "My husband lost his job and took a minimum-wage job he was way overqualified for just to make ends meet. He was offered a better job in a mountain town outside San Diego, so we moved. Then during the California wildfires several years ago, our house burned down and we lost everything. We were living in a one-room converted garage with no running water and a newborn. But we found that this chaos somehow brought us even closer together. We took turns losing it. We really kept each other sane."
Hey, marriage is no roll in the hay. It's tough, real work. But the reward, the edifice you build together that will shelter you through years of tough times, is more than worth the effort. The small, friendly cottage you build — decorated with your shared history and stories, filled with color and laughter — will be the warmest and safest retreat you can imagine.
What makes love last a lifetime? Affection? Yep. Respect? Sure. But a great marriage is not just about what you have. It's about what you do to make a relationship stronger, safer, more caring and committed. Here's how to make your "forever" fantastic.
By Marjorie Ingall
Marriage is a home, a refuge against the outside storms. And like any house, it requires a strong, lasting foundation. To build one, every couple needs to take certain steps — seven, to be precise — that turn the two of you into not just you and me but we. You may not move through all the steps in order, and you may circle back to complete certain steps again (and again and again). But if you make it through them all, you'll be well on your way toward creating a marriage that will be your shelter as long as you both shall live.
Step 1: Find a shared dream for your life together.
It's easy to get caught up in the small stuff of married life: What's for dinner tonight? Whose turn is it to clean the litter box? Did you pay the electric bill? But the best partners never lose sight of the fact that they're working together to achieve the same big dreams. "Successful couples quickly develop a mindfulness of 'us,' of being coupled," says REDBOOK Love Network expert Jane Greer, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in New York City. "They have a shared vision, saying things like, 'We want to plan to buy a house, we want to take a vacation to such-and-such a place, we like to do X, we think we want to start a family at Y time.'"
This kind of dream-sharing starts early. "Couples love to tell the story of how they met," points out Julie Holland, M.D., a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City and a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine. "It's like telling a fairy tale. But happy couples will go on creating folklore and history, with the meet-cute forming the bedrock of the narrative." As you write and rewrite your love story ("our hardest challenge was X, our dream for retirement is Y"), you continually remind yourselves and each other that you're a team with shared values and goals. And P.S.: When you share a dream, you're a heck of a lot more likely to make that dream come true.
Step 2: Ignite (and reignite) a sexual connection.
In any good relationship, sex is way more than just a physical act. It's crucial for the health of your emotional connection, too: It's something only the two of you share; it makes you both feel warm and loved; it draws you back together when you're drifting apart. And did I mention that it's a whole lot of fun?
Striking up those sparks when you first meet is easy. Nurturing a strong, steady flame? That's the hard part. When you've got a mortgage, a potbelly, and a decade or two of togetherness under your belts, it can be hard to muster up the fire you felt when you first got together. That's when it's even more important to protect your sex life and make it a priority. "You have to keep working to create allure and seduction for each other or your sex life will become lackluster," Greer points out. "Who wants the same turkey sandwich over and over? You want it on whole wheat! On toast! As turkey salad! On a roll!" (And now I will imagine my husband covered with Russian dressing. Thanks, Dr. Greer.)
As the years go by, you'll keep revisiting and realigning and reimagining the passion you have for each other. And if you keep at it, you'll have a sex life that transcends your marriage's lack of newness, the stresses of family and work, the physical changes that come with aging. Now that's something worth holding on to.
Step 3: Choose each other as your first family.
For years, you were primarily a member of one family: the one in which you grew up. Then you got married, and suddenly you became the foundation of a new family, one in which husband and wife are the A-team. It can be tough to shift your identity like this, but it's also an important part of building your self-image as a duo (and maybe, eventually, as three or four or...).
For me, making this transition meant stopping the incessant bitching to my mom when I was mad at my husband — my behavior was disloyal, and I had to learn to talk to Jonathan, not about him. My friend Lynn tells the story of her mother's reaction to a trip to the Middle East she and her then-boyfriend (now husband) had planned. Her mother hit the roof, calling incessantly to urge Lynn not to go. Eventually, Lynn's boyfriend got on the phone with Mom and explained why they were excited to share this experience. "It was clear then that we were the team," Lynn says now. "Not teaming up against my mother, but teaming up together to deal with her issues."
Whatever your challenges — an overprotective mom? an overly critical father-in-law? — you have to outline together the boundaries between you and all of the families connected to you. Not only will you feel stronger as a united front but when you stick to your shared rules, all that family baggage will weigh on you a lot less.
Step 4: Learn how to fight right.
I'm embarrassed to think of how I coped with conflict early in my relationship with Jonathan. I stormed out — a lot. I once threw an apple at his head. Hard. (Don't worry, I missed — on purpose.) I had a terrible habit of threatening divorce at the slightest provocation. But eventually I figured that this was pretty moronic. I didn't want out, and I knew that pelting someone with fruit was not a long-term marital strategy.
"Fighting is the big problem every couple has to deal with," says Daniel B. Wile, Ph.D., a psychologist and couples therapist in Oakland, CA, and author of After the Fight. That's because fights will always come up, so every couple needs to learn how to fight without tearing each other apart.
Fighting right doesn't just mean not throwing produce; it means staying focused on the issue at hand and respecting each other's perspective. Couples that fight right also find ways to defuse the tension, says Wile — often with humor. "Whenever one of us wants the other to listen up, we mime hitting the TV remote, a thumb pressing down on an invisible mute button," says Nancy, 52, an event producer in San Francisco. "It cracks us up, in part because it must look insane to others." Even if you fight a lot, when you can find a way to turn fights toward the positive — with a smile, a quick apology, an expression of appreciation for the other person — the storm blows away fast, and that's what matters.
Step 5: Find a balance between time for two and time for you.
Jonathan and I both work at home. This frequently leads to murderous impulses. Though I'm typing away in the bedroom and he's talking to his consulting clients in our small home office, most days it really feels like too much intimacy for me.
But that's my bias. When it comes to togetherness, every couple has its own unique sweet spot. "There are couples that are never apart and there are couples that see each other only on weekends," Greer says. With the right balance, neither partner feels slighted or smothered. You have enough non-shared experiences to fire you up and help you maintain a sense of yourself outside the relationship — not to mention give you something to talk about at the dinner table. But you also have enough time together to feel your connection as a strong tie rather than as a loose thread.
Your togetherness needs will also change over time, so you'll have to shift your balance accordingly. "My husband and I spend a lot of time together, but it's almost all family time," says Katie, 40, a mom of two in San Leandro, CA. "We realized a few months ago that we hadn't had a conversation that didn't involve the kids or our to-do lists in ages, so we committed to a weekly date. We were so happy just to go to the movies and hold hands, something we hadn't done in ages. It felt like we were dating again!"
Step 6: Build a best friendship.
Think about the things that make your closest friendships irreplaceable: the trust that comes with true intimacy, the willingness to be vulnerable, the confidence that the friendship can withstand some conflict. Don't those sound like good things to have in your marriage, too?
"Happy couples are each other's haven," says Holland. "They can count on the other person to listen and try to meet their needs." Greer adds, "When you're true friends, you acknowledge and respect what the other person is; you don't try to control or change them. This creates a sense of safety and security when you're together — you know you're valued for who you are and you see the value in your partner."
Then there's the way, when you've been with someone a while, that you become almost a mind reader. You have a shared history and inside jokes. Your guy knows what you'll find funny, you forward him links to articles you know he'll enjoy, and best of all, you two can make eye contact at a given moment and say volumes without opening your mouths. And is there anything more pleasurable than sharing the newspaper with someone? Sitting in companionable silence, absorbed in your respective reading, sipping coffee, occasionally reading something out loud, but mostly just lazing happily together, communing without needing to speak? Ahh....
Step 7: Face down a major challenge together.
You're sailing along through life, and suddenly you hit a huge bump. A serious illness. Unemployment. The loss of a home. A death in the family. How do you cope?
The truth is, you never know how strong your relationship is until it's tested. All too often, the stress of a crisis can pull a couple apart. But the good news is, when you do make it through in one piece, you might just find yourselves tighter than ever.
"What didn't happen to us?" says Daryl, 28, a preschool teacher in Harrisburg, PA. "My husband lost his job and took a minimum-wage job he was way overqualified for just to make ends meet. He was offered a better job in a mountain town outside San Diego, so we moved. Then during the California wildfires several years ago, our house burned down and we lost everything. We were living in a one-room converted garage with no running water and a newborn. But we found that this chaos somehow brought us even closer together. We took turns losing it. We really kept each other sane."
Hey, marriage is no roll in the hay. It's tough, real work. But the reward, the edifice you build together that will shelter you through years of tough times, is more than worth the effort. The small, friendly cottage you build — decorated with your shared history and stories, filled with color and laughter — will be the warmest and safest retreat you can imagine.
The Secret Language of Sex
Let these simple phrases unlock a woman's heart—and reignite her passion
By: Amy Levin-Epstein; Photographer: Keith King
Published: March 2006 [ Updated: Oct 27, 2008 - 5:54:23 PM ]
Relationships are funny things: One partner can be cruising along thinking everything’s just fine and dandy, and the other can be curling up inside like a poinsettia after New Year’s. One of us is sure we’re on the right track, while the other is wondering, “Why don’t we talk anymore?” And more often than not, it’s the female cohort who’s dying for more—more communication, more intimacy, more verbal acknowledgment that you’re committed to her happiness.
The reason is simple: When it comes to communication, women are like tropical plants, and men are like cacti. Studies suggest that the average woman speaks 7,000 words a day. The average man mutters just 2,000, and half of those are spoken to clients, colleagues, or the electronic image of John Madden. And it’s that discrepancy between our verbal styles and needs that can turn a once-hot relationship into yesterday’s oatmeal.
Want proof? Researchers at the University of Washington say they can predict with 90 percent accuracy whether couples will divorce or stay married simply by listening to them talk for a few minutes. After reviewing data from more than 500 couples in discussion, psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., of the University of Washington’s Relationship Research Institute, and applied mathematicians James Murray and Kristin Swanson have come up with a mathematical model that can predict likelihood of divorce. They dub it the “Dow Jones Industrial Average for marital conversation.” A 5-to-1 ratio of positive comments to negative ones indicates a healthy marriage, they say. A ratio lower than that suggests trouble ahead.
A simple rule of thumb, then, is to talk more, share more, and be more open with your emotions. But telling a guy to share more is like telling him to eat less meat: Simple in concept, but not so tasty in practice. The solution is to maximize the communication you do have—to know a few simple phrases that will warm her heart and a few other intimate places, as well. If things feel a little chilly, a little distant, or a little lacking in boudoir beatitude, try speaking up. Here’s what to say.
“I’m so glad we ended up together.”
Every long-term relationship is a celebration of two people beating the odds. But the longer the two of you are together, the more couples you’ll know who didn’t make it. Each time a friend or neighbor goes through a divorce, it can send one or both of you looking for cracks in your own marriage. And that can have a dampening effect on your wife’s sex drive. Consider a recent survey that asked 2,000 women for the key factor in deciding whether or not they will sleep with a partner: Forty-six percent responded “knowing where the relationship is headed.” To rekindle her desire, focus her attention on the commitment you’ve made to her. The house, the kids, the wedding album—they’re all still there, but she needs spoken evidence, too.
"I understand how important this is to you."
Women gauge the health of a relationship by how well they think you understand them, says Mark Elliott, Ph.D., the director of the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health, in Columbus, Ohio. And one of the ways to communicate understanding to your partner is not to spring into action every time she expresses concern about something—a common male default. Instead of saying “here’s how we fix this,” simply listen to her and acknowledge that you understand her concern, even if you disagree with it. Listening and understanding are powerful validations of how much you respect her.
"Let me tell you how my presentation went."
When she asks how your day went, she doesn’t want to hear “fine, and yours?” She wants details, not a highlight reel. To maximize the effectiveness, frame things in terms of your emotional reactions: “I was nervous when they didn’t jump at the offer, but I felt excited when they realized I was right.” “She needs to hear you talk about your feelings as best you can. You’ll be amazed at what revealing your feelings can do for the level of intimacy between you,” says Les Parrott III, Ph.D., the author of Love Talk.
"Let’s talk about Jenny’s grades tomorrow. Tonight should just be about us."
In bed, focus on each other and the moment as much as possible, whether or not it leads to sex. “Don’t bring critical conversations into the bed. These are some of the most important minutes in your relationship each day,” says Parrott.
"I’ve been fantasizing about making you feel good."
Here’s a shocker: When it comes to sexual fantasies, women are more selfish than men. In a University of California at Santa Cruz survey of 85 men and 77 women ages 21 to 45, more than two-thirds of the men said they fantasized about pleasing their partners, while more than half of the women fantasized about their own pleasure. “Women focus on themselves in fantasy because in real life the man’s pleasure is prioritized,” says study author Eileen Zubriggan, Ph.D. Key in to her fantasy; let her know her wish is your command.
"Put the 14th on your calendar; I’m taking you away."
Tune in to your wife’s sexual calendar by timing her menstrual cycle, suggests Scott Haltzman, M.D., the author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Then time your romantic weekends accordingly. Ovulation raises testosterone levels, which makes some women extremely horny during their most fertile days. The science: A recent study of 68 sexually active women published in the Journal of Human Reproduction revealed elevated levels of testosterone and an average 24 percent increase in frequency of intercourse during the 6 days leading up to each woman’s ovulation. Calculate the start of this magic window by counting 2 weeks after she begins her period and subtracting 6 days.
"I’ll draw you a bath."
“Many women need a transition period between dealing with the stress of work and family life and feeling sexual,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., the author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. “A few minutes of foreplay usually aren’t enough.” After a few years together, men tend to start shortening foreplay, but the average woman takes 27 minutes to reach orgasm. A warm bath is a good place to start.
"You deserve a long weekend with your girlfriends. I’ll watch the kids."
A recent study conducted at Purdue University found that long-distance couples have fewer trivial arguments than those couples who live with each other. “Because their time together is so precious, [long-distance lovers] really make an effort to reserve time for the relationship when they do see each other,” explains Mary Carole Pistole, Ph.D., an associate professor of counseling psychology at Purdue University. To reap the benefits of space, manufacture your own distance by buying her a plane ticket for a minivacation from you.
"I adore your freckles."
In order to feel sexy, a woman first has to feel beautiful. “Women get intimacy from words,” says anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., of Rutgers University, the author of Why We Love. “You look beautiful” is a fine comment. But follow up by complimenting her on something that is unique to her, like her laugh or her freckles. This assures her that you find her attractive, as opposed to every other woman in the room.
"I’ve always thought it would be fun if you didn’t use your hands."
During those times when the two of you are on solid ground and you want to move things to a higher plane, consider pushing the boundaries a bit. A recent survey of 2,000 women found that two out of three were interested in light bondage. The key is to keep the adventure positive. “Don’t imply that you want this because the sex has grown stale,” says Elliott. “When you phrase it as something fun you want to try, it’s about having a good time, not fixing something that’s broken.”
“Let’s show the kids our honeymoon photos."
Reminding your wife of commonalities you share—whether it’s a birth date, a passion for Japanese architecture, or your favorite vacation spot—will ignite her desire for you, suggests recent research published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. There’s even a scientific term for the phenomenon: “implicit egotism.” It means we humans are attracted to things and people that remind us of ourselves.
"I’ll meet you in the bedroom after I fold the laundry."
In a study of 3,500 people completed in 2003, researchers at the University of California at Riverside found that men who performed the most domestic chores were more sexually attractive to their partners than husbands who never or rarely pitched in around the house. Again, women react to verbal cues: It helps to nonchalantly mention it whenever you feel the urge to wash, dry, or fold.
"The weather’s terrible. Let me pick up the kids from day care."
Women prefer mates who are protective and heroic rather than reckless and risk-taking, according to a study published recently in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior. In the study, which involved 52 women, researchers described fictional men who decided whether or not to climb a steep mountain, travel alone in treacherous terrain, or jump into a river to save a drowning child. The majority of the subjects said they admired the men who took heroic risks but were not very impressed by the thrill-seeking adventurers. “A woman wants a mate who is going to survive to continue being a provider and protector for her children and her,” explains study author William Farthing, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Maine.
By: Amy Levin-Epstein; Photographer: Keith King
Published: March 2006 [ Updated: Oct 27, 2008 - 5:54:23 PM ]
Relationships are funny things: One partner can be cruising along thinking everything’s just fine and dandy, and the other can be curling up inside like a poinsettia after New Year’s. One of us is sure we’re on the right track, while the other is wondering, “Why don’t we talk anymore?” And more often than not, it’s the female cohort who’s dying for more—more communication, more intimacy, more verbal acknowledgment that you’re committed to her happiness.
The reason is simple: When it comes to communication, women are like tropical plants, and men are like cacti. Studies suggest that the average woman speaks 7,000 words a day. The average man mutters just 2,000, and half of those are spoken to clients, colleagues, or the electronic image of John Madden. And it’s that discrepancy between our verbal styles and needs that can turn a once-hot relationship into yesterday’s oatmeal.
Want proof? Researchers at the University of Washington say they can predict with 90 percent accuracy whether couples will divorce or stay married simply by listening to them talk for a few minutes. After reviewing data from more than 500 couples in discussion, psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., of the University of Washington’s Relationship Research Institute, and applied mathematicians James Murray and Kristin Swanson have come up with a mathematical model that can predict likelihood of divorce. They dub it the “Dow Jones Industrial Average for marital conversation.” A 5-to-1 ratio of positive comments to negative ones indicates a healthy marriage, they say. A ratio lower than that suggests trouble ahead.
A simple rule of thumb, then, is to talk more, share more, and be more open with your emotions. But telling a guy to share more is like telling him to eat less meat: Simple in concept, but not so tasty in practice. The solution is to maximize the communication you do have—to know a few simple phrases that will warm her heart and a few other intimate places, as well. If things feel a little chilly, a little distant, or a little lacking in boudoir beatitude, try speaking up. Here’s what to say.
“I’m so glad we ended up together.”
Every long-term relationship is a celebration of two people beating the odds. But the longer the two of you are together, the more couples you’ll know who didn’t make it. Each time a friend or neighbor goes through a divorce, it can send one or both of you looking for cracks in your own marriage. And that can have a dampening effect on your wife’s sex drive. Consider a recent survey that asked 2,000 women for the key factor in deciding whether or not they will sleep with a partner: Forty-six percent responded “knowing where the relationship is headed.” To rekindle her desire, focus her attention on the commitment you’ve made to her. The house, the kids, the wedding album—they’re all still there, but she needs spoken evidence, too.
"I understand how important this is to you."
Women gauge the health of a relationship by how well they think you understand them, says Mark Elliott, Ph.D., the director of the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health, in Columbus, Ohio. And one of the ways to communicate understanding to your partner is not to spring into action every time she expresses concern about something—a common male default. Instead of saying “here’s how we fix this,” simply listen to her and acknowledge that you understand her concern, even if you disagree with it. Listening and understanding are powerful validations of how much you respect her.
"Let me tell you how my presentation went."
When she asks how your day went, she doesn’t want to hear “fine, and yours?” She wants details, not a highlight reel. To maximize the effectiveness, frame things in terms of your emotional reactions: “I was nervous when they didn’t jump at the offer, but I felt excited when they realized I was right.” “She needs to hear you talk about your feelings as best you can. You’ll be amazed at what revealing your feelings can do for the level of intimacy between you,” says Les Parrott III, Ph.D., the author of Love Talk.
"Let’s talk about Jenny’s grades tomorrow. Tonight should just be about us."
In bed, focus on each other and the moment as much as possible, whether or not it leads to sex. “Don’t bring critical conversations into the bed. These are some of the most important minutes in your relationship each day,” says Parrott.
"I’ve been fantasizing about making you feel good."
Here’s a shocker: When it comes to sexual fantasies, women are more selfish than men. In a University of California at Santa Cruz survey of 85 men and 77 women ages 21 to 45, more than two-thirds of the men said they fantasized about pleasing their partners, while more than half of the women fantasized about their own pleasure. “Women focus on themselves in fantasy because in real life the man’s pleasure is prioritized,” says study author Eileen Zubriggan, Ph.D. Key in to her fantasy; let her know her wish is your command.
"Put the 14th on your calendar; I’m taking you away."
Tune in to your wife’s sexual calendar by timing her menstrual cycle, suggests Scott Haltzman, M.D., the author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Then time your romantic weekends accordingly. Ovulation raises testosterone levels, which makes some women extremely horny during their most fertile days. The science: A recent study of 68 sexually active women published in the Journal of Human Reproduction revealed elevated levels of testosterone and an average 24 percent increase in frequency of intercourse during the 6 days leading up to each woman’s ovulation. Calculate the start of this magic window by counting 2 weeks after she begins her period and subtracting 6 days.
"I’ll draw you a bath."
“Many women need a transition period between dealing with the stress of work and family life and feeling sexual,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., the author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. “A few minutes of foreplay usually aren’t enough.” After a few years together, men tend to start shortening foreplay, but the average woman takes 27 minutes to reach orgasm. A warm bath is a good place to start.
"You deserve a long weekend with your girlfriends. I’ll watch the kids."
A recent study conducted at Purdue University found that long-distance couples have fewer trivial arguments than those couples who live with each other. “Because their time together is so precious, [long-distance lovers] really make an effort to reserve time for the relationship when they do see each other,” explains Mary Carole Pistole, Ph.D., an associate professor of counseling psychology at Purdue University. To reap the benefits of space, manufacture your own distance by buying her a plane ticket for a minivacation from you.
"I adore your freckles."
In order to feel sexy, a woman first has to feel beautiful. “Women get intimacy from words,” says anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., of Rutgers University, the author of Why We Love. “You look beautiful” is a fine comment. But follow up by complimenting her on something that is unique to her, like her laugh or her freckles. This assures her that you find her attractive, as opposed to every other woman in the room.
"I’ve always thought it would be fun if you didn’t use your hands."
During those times when the two of you are on solid ground and you want to move things to a higher plane, consider pushing the boundaries a bit. A recent survey of 2,000 women found that two out of three were interested in light bondage. The key is to keep the adventure positive. “Don’t imply that you want this because the sex has grown stale,” says Elliott. “When you phrase it as something fun you want to try, it’s about having a good time, not fixing something that’s broken.”
“Let’s show the kids our honeymoon photos."
Reminding your wife of commonalities you share—whether it’s a birth date, a passion for Japanese architecture, or your favorite vacation spot—will ignite her desire for you, suggests recent research published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. There’s even a scientific term for the phenomenon: “implicit egotism.” It means we humans are attracted to things and people that remind us of ourselves.
"I’ll meet you in the bedroom after I fold the laundry."
In a study of 3,500 people completed in 2003, researchers at the University of California at Riverside found that men who performed the most domestic chores were more sexually attractive to their partners than husbands who never or rarely pitched in around the house. Again, women react to verbal cues: It helps to nonchalantly mention it whenever you feel the urge to wash, dry, or fold.
"The weather’s terrible. Let me pick up the kids from day care."
Women prefer mates who are protective and heroic rather than reckless and risk-taking, according to a study published recently in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior. In the study, which involved 52 women, researchers described fictional men who decided whether or not to climb a steep mountain, travel alone in treacherous terrain, or jump into a river to save a drowning child. The majority of the subjects said they admired the men who took heroic risks but were not very impressed by the thrill-seeking adventurers. “A woman wants a mate who is going to survive to continue being a provider and protector for her children and her,” explains study author William Farthing, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Maine.
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